THE ROOM – Tommy Wiseau

I first heard about Tommy Wiseau about a year ago from an episode of “Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job,” wherein the main characters enlist his directorial capabilities and a cinematic shitstorm ensues. Through the lens of “Awesome Show,” everything gets a bit of the hyperbole treatment so I more or less wrote Wiseau off as a bit of an odd amalgam of exaggerated flaws and quirks. A European Chris Walken. That particular episode of “Awesome Show” was painful to sit through as we watch Wiseau fumble lines, butcher basic English, and acknowledge the camera (We’re talking wrecking-ball-through-the-”Fourth Wall” material here). And so there I was, thinking Monsieur Wiseau was another awkward Tim and Eric concoction.

Good God was I wrong.

Upon researching the worst of the worst movies on the ‘net, I came across a familiar name – “The Room” by Tommy Wiseau kept showing up on every “worst of” list I saw. That’s right, this guy is for REAL. Investigating further, I read that the film is something of a contemporary cult classic, and since all the WORST movies have a following, I figured this one had to be top priority to watch.

When you feel worse for the actors than the characters they’re portraying, you know you’ve got a good one. Wiseau not only directed this thing but takes center stage as Johnny, the creepshow doting FUTURE husband to Lisa, a Succubus bitch. Seriously, these characters are unabashedly unbelievable right out of the gate. The dialogue is as natural as an English-as-second-language tape (which ironically enough might have proved useful to Monsieur Wiseau). The entire film seems to be one giant ego-stroke for the director/STAR, as we see his clammy European behind a few too many times (while the younger, more attractive male lead is lucky to get a nip slip). And speaking of awkward nudity, be prepared for plenty of nausea-inducing sex scenes. As wooden as her personality is, Lisa gets a LOT Of action. The first, oh, third of the movie is little more than a collection of sex scenes strung together loosely by a doomed and sprawling plot. And that’s being generous.

From a storytelling standpoint, there are more plot devices than there is actual plot, and that’s just ONE of the reasons I love this movie.

Saying that ‘The Room’ hits you over the head with its ‘twists,’ is an understatement. Here’s the plot in a nutshell. Johnny and Lisa are engaged to be wed, and Lisa is planning a surprise birthday party for him, we learn, in a week’s time. Lisa doesn’t love Johnny anymore because he’s “boring,” and so she starts telling people that he flew into a rage, got drunk, and hit her after losing a promotion at work — except nobody really seems to care — and so she starts sleeping with Johnny’s best friend, Mark. Of course the proverbial shit hits the fan at the birthday party and everybody finds out (mainly because Lisa is awful at keeping secrets and tells just about everyone about her transgressions), and, well, the whole affair doesn’t really bode too well for Johnny in the end.

Pretty standard love-triangle stuff, eh?

Oh, except Johnny ‘adopted’ this strange boy (teen? man?) next door, who owes a drug dealer some money (but don’t worry, that little twist only lasts one scene and is abandoned immediately).

Oh — AND! Lisa’s mother Claudette thinks she should stay with Johnny because he is FINANCIALLY SECURE. Also, she finds out she DEFINITELY has breast cancer, but this seemingly CRUCIAL AND URGENT family development only gets mentioned once and takes a backseat to the Lisa-Mark-Johnny debacle. After all, “they’re finding a cure every day.”

Also, Lisa’s friends like to sneak into her apartment and have sex while she’s gone. In fact, I’m pretty sure Johnny and Lisa’s doors don’t lock because every scene begins with someone walking in, introducing their plot device and leaving immediately.

It gets EVEN WEIRDER. More than halfway through the film, we’re introduced to this friend of Mark and Johnny’s who I suppose is meant to represent the ‘voice of reason’ (although assuming that there is any sort of metaphor at work behind the scenes might be giving ‘The Room’ too much credit). Anyway, this ‘Peter’ fellow quickly catches onto Mark’s affair with Lisa, and after a brief rooftop scuffle with Mark quickly disappears from the film altogether.

Does this all sound confusing yet? Well, don’t worry. Every ten minutes or so, the major points are revisited via horrible exchanges between characters. Trust me, there is NO way you’ll forget that:

1.) Lisa doesn’t love Johnny

2.) Johnny’s birthday party is coming up

3.) Mark is Johnny’s best friend and he shouldn’t be doing this!

4.) Johnny is FINANCIALLY SECURE

5.) Lisa and Johnny are FUTURE husband/wife

I will say this: despite it’s many and major shortcomings, the awkward dialogue makes the entire ordeal worth the watch. There are even some very obvious scenes during which the audio was dubbed over. Lines like: “Thank you honey, this is a beautiful party! You invited all my friends. Good thinking!” and “As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That’s a promise.” make you have to wonder if Wiseau has ever actually heard anyone speak English to another human being. As Johnny, Monsieur Wiseau delivers each line with a bit too much bravado but you end up loving him for it and maybe even wishing he had a bit more screen time. (If you want some REAL gems, visit www.theroomsoundboard.com)

I won’t go too much into the supposed history and development of the film, but I’ve read that Wiseau had to replace the entire crew twice, shot in HD and 35mm film because he didn’t understand the difference between the two, and funded the entire project with money he earned from importing leather jackets from Korea. “The Room” enjoys a cult following à la Rocky-Horror and Wiseau has even been known to appear at midnight screenings selling ‘The Room’ merchandise and holding informal Q&A’s.

I’ll quit while I’m ahead, because I really could go on and on and on about this trashterpiece. “The Room” is definitely one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time, and the fact that it takes itself far too seriously only makes matters worse. Do yourself a favor and see it already. Unless you’re a chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheep.

x. Braddlee

Some Wild Cats
(much more interesting than the movie)

1) When the Jensen complex is on lock-down, make a comment that you cannot escape like you could in an old episode of Mission Impossible. Then, escape just like you would on an old episode of Mission Impossible.

2) Evil villians will make sure that their employees are safe when poopy-smelling stuff goes through the vents, but will subject random employee to nanobot experiment.

3) Teenagers can break into evil villians’ lair with ease, but cannot escape without being seen BIG TIME.

x. Braddlee